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Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Holy moly
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.