Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
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FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
not seeing the problem
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Lately I have the attention span of wait what