Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
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*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Happy Friday
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Have kids, they said
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy