When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
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Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa