My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
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My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns