My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
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Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping