The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
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aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”