[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
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Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
men, we mow at sunrise.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Meowchelangelo
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
We’ve all been there…
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.