Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
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Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place