Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
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I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.