So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
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Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot