Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
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Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.