I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
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Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Legend 🤣🤣
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted