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me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
The two types of wives
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
I hope Alan is OK
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!