You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
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I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
The glory of fall.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.