[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
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A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself