Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
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Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
I’d use my best pan on you.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today