2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
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My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy