The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
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*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Miscakes
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that