I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
You Might Also Like
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Last-minute gift idea!
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
who did the taste test?
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .