My favorite sport ? Lasagna
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Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink