[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
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[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
congratulations to them
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Now, where’s the sport in that?
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out