cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
You Might Also Like
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?