My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
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DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land