No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
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My first child will be named New Folder.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
My daily affirmation
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Posting this on behalf of a friend