I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
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I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Google reviews are always so mixed..
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*