[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
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I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Just how popey was the pope today?
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk