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A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
My last name is Zilla.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.