I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
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Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.