Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
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A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Eggs benadryl my favourite
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
how long have you had this for?
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball