I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
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[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Snapes on a plane.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.