If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
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[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
😂🤣😂🤣
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Thursday Thought.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.