You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
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Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Best table by far
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
2023 was just a warmup
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.