[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
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HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?