Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
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Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
smh
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz