*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
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Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
cyclists
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard