Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
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My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.