I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
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6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.