My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
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When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.