[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
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ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.