As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
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Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
yall want some gasoline milk