You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
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INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
I just stopped by to water my horse.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?