Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
You Might Also Like
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads