I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
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*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night