Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
You Might Also Like
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.