When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
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Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
*sewing*
A thread
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.