At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
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Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too