Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
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Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”