Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
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“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Every photo I’m tagged in
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
me as a parent
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.