It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
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i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.